-You will sit on something moist.
-You will be robbed at squirt-gunpoint.
-Dead rabbits will infect your lower intestines today.
-The pork is skunk.
-The next time you eat fudge, it will not quite be fudge.
-Your scrotum will be mangled in a tractor.
-You haven't lived in seventeen years.
-Whatever you ate last night will return to haunt you.
-Let he who is without sin be declared lame.
-You soiled yourself.
-Fortune cookies are a cheap source of paper.
-You will go on a journey to a women's prison.
-Don't trust the alfredo sauce.
-You will rub up against something greasy today.
-Visible things can be seen when viewed with the eye.
-Writing fortunes is a crappy job.
-You will not get laid tonight.
-You will be plagued with disco fever.
-You will discover a lost bingo chip in your ass.
-The next President of the United States will be Carl Winslow from "Family Matters".
-Subsaharan winds will be emitted from you.
-You will drop your pants at an unexpected moment.
-The hitchhiker you hit with your car a few years ago wasn't really dead.
-You will suffer life-threatening diarrhea.
-ABBA is the best band ever.
-You will eat a syphilis-infected fruit cup.
-Your children can hear you having rough sex every Thursday night.
-For the best car deals, visit Honest Lyle's Used Car Emporium!
-Believe only in yourself, and you'll never achieve anything worthwhile.
-You will fall into a pit of nougat.
-Princess Toadstool does it doggy style.
-You will feel a great pressure today, until your appendix bursts all over the wall.
-You won't find the woman of your dreams today. Or tomorrow. Or this decade.
-Your meal was laced with traces of actual food.
-You will discover that your proctologist was actually the custodian.
-Statistics show that most cooks don't wash their hands after urination.
-The prostitute was a man.
-An obese person will crush your spirits and your rib cage.
-You sat in ginger sauce.
-Goats are fortified with vitamins.
-You will find the chef's watch in your sweet and sour pork.
-Trust in yourself, and you'll be quite upset when you don't pay back your own loan.
-You will-- hey, look over there! *steals your wallet*
-A cheese factory will never fail you.
-You are only as rich as the government allows.
-Your pants are out of style.
-You will meet new people in an asylum.
-The British are coming! Hide the biscuits!
-When failure comes your way, cry because of your shortcomings.
-You most assuredly need a flak jacket.
-You will pee gray today.
-The ham was mock spam.
-Passing wind against a wall can cause paint crackage.
-Existence will continue for at least four minutes.
-You will get your genitals caught in a revolving door.
-That clapping sound is your thighs.
-You will choke while eating this fortune cookie.
-The men's washroom will be low on toilet paper but high on diseases.
-Nude images of the elderly will burn into your brain.
-You will flick yourself in the eye.
-The heroin you bought is actually expired brown sugar.
-You will be hungry in an hour.
Fortune cookie image attained from this site! (How I got there is anyone's guess.)
