Top 10 Ways To Escape A Disasterous Dinner Date If you've been on as many dates as I have... well, I guess you have some social issues, really. But if you've been on numerous dinner dates in your lifetime, you should know that some of them can be downright uncomfortable, uninteresting, and unpleasant. But have no fear, for I am what you might call a "public avenger", trying to develop the best society possible. To help you annoyed folks out, I shall provide for you a list of ten excellent ways to escape a dinner date gone awry. 10. Invite the ghost of your dead aunt to the restaurant as well. 9. Tell gory war stories, even if you were never in any war. 8. Wear clothing made entirely out of Nerf. 7. Clean your armpit with a dinner roll. Don't forget the butter! 6. Pretend to be deaf, blind, dead, or all three at once. 5. Openly declare that you are experiencing a "women's problem". (This is less effective if you are not female, but try it anyway for laughs.) 4. Discuss your future together, particularly having twenty-three children, all of them named Gylinger. 3. Ask what types of blood are on tap this evening. 2. Take a tip from Ace Ventura and talk through your buttocks. For even less fun for your date, try eating with them too! 1. Push the secret red button under the table to open a trap door underneath your date. (Trust me -- it's there. Feel around for it.)