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.syntax error > legend of zelda > part i
~ The Overworld Gang ~ |
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The first thing Link has to do in this game is just immediately walk north from his seemingly arbitrary starting location and enter the nearby cave. Inside, there's a sword on the ground and an old man that tells him that a solo quest is very dangerous, and that he should take the uninteresting brown sword that is just laying on the ground. However, unbeknownst to this man, he has been sprinkled with a large dosage of Obvious Dust, which (obviously) makes him state the obvious. I think it would be a pretty safe assumption that if Link went out equipped with a slice of raisin toast in his hand, he would not fare well against any superior foes on his travels. That polynoggin dragon creature's a real bitch -- and he always has a hankering for raisin toast. As a sidenote, do you notice that Link has to be on top of the sword before he picks it up? An unpleasant blade colonoscopy does not bode well with any traveller. |
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It is later in his quest when Link receives swords of greater strength and valor, including the one pictured here: the Magical Sword! It is offered to our hero by what appears to be either a twin brother of the other old man, or perhaps it's just the same fellow who is simply quick on his feet as he dashes through a well-structured maze of underground tunnels. Either way, he informs Link that once he masters it, he can use the sword. But... wait a minute! In order to master it, wouldn't I have to...use it first? But in order to use it, you have to...master it?! This doesn't make any sense! This man is giving Link quite the paradox to consider. I recommend just taking the damn sword and running like hell. |
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Here is the same old man, but now he has a new title: the Stairmaster. He tells Link that he is free to take any road he wishes. So the rumors of an underground tunnel system ARE true! It is indeed the running man who speaks to us always! It's an unpleasant fact, however, that this old coot thinks he owns the passageways or something, which he DOESN'T! No way! But at least he is kindly enough to let Link pass for free... hey, where's his wallet?! |
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I think I figured out how the old man can transport himself so quickly! He's on drugs! He takes pick-me-ups daily, just so he can get from point A to point B with extreme velocity! I can't believe it! Yet not only is he a purchaser of illegal narcotic substances, he's also apparently a dealer. Look at that: he's trying to drop Link some serious acid on the left there. He gives you the option of taking the rather volatile liquid or a big juicy heart. The heart adds to overall health, while the drugs lead your character unto a path of despair. Nightly sex orgies with rocker chicks, neurological stuttering, and a strange growth behind the left elbow is in store for he who selects the acid. Choose wisely. |
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The old man has come to realize that while a life of drugs and sword-serving is all well and good, a life without love is not worth living. Spending one's time jogging back and forth leaves little time in one's hectic schedule for romance. Ah, but that is where Link comes in! He is given a letter and instructions to "show this to the old woman". He's clearly not one for compliments -- the term is SENIOR CITIZEN! He also wasn't particularly polite in telling Link what to do. Upon opening up the letter, Link is shocked by what he sees. Apparently, this old man, he played one, he reads the Kama Sutra for fun. The letter is filled with references to several twisted fantasies, including something called "playing leapfrog". Our hero will have no use for Sex Ed now -- he has learned everything that is necessary about sex on the streets. |
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When you first enter her cave of wonder, she is a silent entity. Perhaps she does not care for this elf-boy. But Link is always one to keep his promise; he delivers the vomit-inducing sex letter to the senior citi-- ah, hell, she's an old woman. Upon reading it, Link notices a subtle smirk emerging, the corners of her crust-parched lips curving upwards with a heightened sense of groovy emotion. She must be intrigued. She must be feeling wily. And what better way to show her appreciation than to ask you -- nay, TELL you -- to purchase some of her homebrewed "medicine". Damn, she's a demanding shrew of a woman. Hmmm... those flasks look familiar. Ah, more drugs! She's trying to pawn off acid on me, but now I have a choice of two colours! Joy! Just...buy the red stuff and get out of this horny woman's home before she starts undressing you -- and not just with her eyes! |
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But how is one to afford such high prices for drugs? It's tough to score some Hyrulian Superwater when rupees are as scarce as a quality pantsuit. So hidden around Hyrule are mysterious Moblins. He's an ugly bugger, isn't he? When Link finds one of his secret locations, he immediately blurts out that "it's a secret to everyone". That's great. Well, he found you now, so I guess you'll have to cough up some dough, or else I'll tell others where you are, and they'll come and mess you up like you ain't never been messed up befo'! |
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