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.syntax error > castlevania ii: simon's quest > part iii
~ Part III ~ |
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Simon never fails to be the target of mass production syndicates, and with good reason. If he was able to be recently suckered into purchasing both a dagger and chain whip when he already had a perfectly decent weapon in his possession, then clearly he ought to be studied carefully to learn more about the most modern advertising techniques. This time around, however, the stakes are high (so to speak); in order to attain one of Dracula's bodily parts, Simon must use an oak stake to break open the orb within which the part is encaged. It is a worthwhile investment, and for fifty hearts, it is truly a bargain. Unfortunately, it is a one-time use only style of item. We'll let the marketing department deal with that factor. |
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As is the general way with curses, once it is destroyed, only good things can occur. But I'll bet that Simon Belmont never expected to gain complete control over his very own mansion once he lifts Dracula's curse off the world! As a local town drunk has told him, Brahm's Mansion, which has been abandoned for at least a few days, will soon be back on the market once all the annoying skeletons are evicted. That ought to improve the property value. Once Dracula's curse has been removed, at least Simon will be able to avoid searching for cost-effective housing. |
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If there was ever an obvious statement to be found, it was uttered by he who puffed out these sleek words of wisdom. Apparently, if you are the owner of the ring of fire, you will notice that there is a flame inside that flickers. This is useful information! One would have expected there to be a flash of lightning or possibly even a glacier of ice located within the ring of fire! However, all you get inside the ring of fire is fire. This caught Simon off-guard, as would be the reaction of any weary traveler. |
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Just as was expected, our heavy-tunicked hero Simon Belmont has once again proven himself worthy enough to bear the legendary Vampire Killer whip. He was able to scuttle through the dastardly traps and trials of Berkeley Mansion (again, not named after the sexy star of "Showgirls", as was assumed by many a townsperson) and, utilising his newly-acquired oak stake, jabbed an orb on a pedestal and attained one of Dracula's body parts: his awesome rib! Upon touching it, Simon hears a mysterious voice from out of nowhere; it informs Simon that he now "prossesses" Dracula's rib. Simon stares in wonder as he tried to figure out the source of this grammatical anomaly. He assumed it was a natural rib, and not processed in a heartless factory. Nevertheless, Simon pockets the rib and moves on with his life. |
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The same mistake as before was not repeated here! Simon is able to possess a sacred flame without any worries about its production process. However, what is more stunning is exactly how one purchases and captures a sacred flame. Simon will have to keep the flame in a container of some sort; leaving an open flame in the inventory can be a form of self-arson, after all. Secondly, why exactly would Simon pay for this flame, considering the fact that mankind has been able to create its own fire for many centuries for free. Advertising truly is a magical wonder. |
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Simon continues his journey through another particularly strict and oppressed town where both the men and the women are required to be covered in large cloaks to conceal anything that could be considered sexy or delicious. Earlier in Simon's quest, he was able to purchase a wonderful dagger for a mere 50 hearts; this can be considered more than reasonable, is it not? Well, an aspiring merchant has decided to adhere to this 50 heart price tag for an item that is not worthy of it. Now Simon has to pay 50 hearts for garlic. Garlic! It's a fair price to keep vampires away, but not a good price for an item that, when worn, will fend off women. |
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As if Simon did not have enough tidbits of information floating about in his head, here is a new factoid that he can keep banging around in his noggin. According to a source who wishes to remain anonymous (or just doesn't have a name at all), Simon can use Dracula's eyeball to reflect the curse. Well, that's great. It doesn't take a genius to see that! ...Hmmm, I suppose it does, considering you need the eyeball to figure it out. Therefore, Simon's next quest is clear: he must locate Dracula's eyeball! He'd better start saving up for another oak stake. |
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However, before Simon can go on his search for Dracula's stray eyeball, he must first listen to more irritating townsfolk who lack the knowledge of its whereabouts. Instead, a frothy man steps forth from the shadows with a powerful message for Simon: garlic has special powers. Simon assumes that the man is referring to culinary powers; garlic is clearly an excellent spice for a subpar gazpacho. Simon accepts this advice but quickly backs away from this mysterious stranger, mainly because his breath stinks like a long-expired pasta dish. |
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Veros Woods seems to be the popular locale for determining the answer to Dracula's riddle, says one other citizen. Preferring tongue twisters, Simon opts to take a short vacation to this forest in his travels and find out to solve the riddle. He has no time for sitting around, acting pensive with fellow nerds and pondering about jokes and other sorts of reverie. Simon is a vampire hunter, not a novelty enthusiast! Get back to work, Simon, and break this curse! |
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Simon Belmont has never been listed on Forbes' official list of wealthiest people at any time. In fact, he often suffers from extreme poverty, what with garlic costs rising and the exchange rate of the heart currency slowly on the decline. It is therefore quite irritating for him when yet another important item is tagged with a ridiculous price. This time, Simon is offered a packet of laurels for 50 hearts. So, after berating the shopkeeper for a good ten minutes about how he is being gouged for property of such low worth (not unlike some universities of his time, where cafeteria food is most foul and garlic is rarely used), he repugnantly hands over the funds and receives his laurels. These had better come in handy, considering the fact that all Simon has heard so far is that laurels make soup tasty. |
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