Now that I have your attention, I'd like to discuss the effects of alcohol on humans. I don't declare this a scientific study, because I have as much scientific knowledge as a raisin. Okay, perhaps a superintelligent raisin mutated by the toxic effects of environmentally-unsound plutonium pollution, forcing the raisin to develop cranial capacities beyond that of the normal shriveled nutritional artifact! And the raisin will be able to devise precise calculations to explain the various correlations between alcoholism and the amusement of the general populace, as well as determine the absolute length of pi, noting how it simply MUST end in a seven or else the entire universe would have collapsed upon itself twelve billion years ago! ...this is a good example of a drunken rant. Listen to your drunken hooligan friends and see if they spout out something similar.
But the real purpose of this spewing of irrevelant material is to lead into what I consider to be a strange practice of today's youth: drinking for amusement. Sometimes I just don't get it. People just have to be chugging down the beers like it's the nectar of life (although for some people, it IS) or their wacky wine spritzers to have a good time on the town. Is there no way to have a good time with friends after the age of 16 without a massive liver failure extravaganza? Maybe it's just come to down to the fact that (and I think I know this well) some people are nice to be with, but boring to the core (just SOME of them, not all of them). But with the help of inhibition-freeing alcohol, everything people say is exhilarating!
"Hey, my uncle's friend fell off a ladder the other day. He hurt himself pretty bad; he'll need surgery next week."
"Hahaha! That's hilarious! Is the ladder okay?!?!?! Wah hah hah!" *collapses*
Yeah. Okay, so maybe people that I can't stand would probably be more amicable after you drill a few pints of vodka down my throat. But even that can be a chore sometimes. Face the facts: alcoholic beverages do NOT taste heavenly. Anyone who likes beer obviously drinks it too damn fast, because it tastes like urine reurinated. And even though I'll take the occasional vodka drink, I know that it tastes like the ink they use in permanent markers. The only way to make it taste good is to add so many alternative flavourings to put that nasty taste in stasis. If this is what we need to do to improve the flavour of alcohol, we would all be better off just buying a non-alcoholic drink. Not only would that prevent drunken stupors and trippy hangovers after a night of questionable intake, you would also save money, which could be used for the ubiquitous requirements of life: food, shelter, collagen!
But here's the kicker: being drunk often makes you do unusual, and often embarrassing, feats. Sometimes you say really ridiculous or offensive things that you later regret in the morning (although based on experience, I've learned that it doesn't necessarily require any alcohol whatsoever to do this). Sometimes you just become a different person overall (I become more charming after a drink or two, but I'll bet I'm an anomaly!), like one girl I was with last St. Patrick's Day who wouldn't cease a mixed barrage of laughter and apologies and I held her, preventing her from collapsing on the sidewalk and flinging knee cartilage. Holding drunks on the street is only entertaining for a short while; however, if you make their limp bodies dance, there are hours of amusement hidden within right there. And you never know what could happen to you during this state. Besides the obvious dangers of having drunken sex and getting pregnant, or shooting someone in the abdomen with a pellet gun, strange things could happen! You could even, unbeknownst to you, have your leg violated by a hobo (this actually happened to a friend of mine, who may also have been a temporary friend of yours if you happen to be a hobo). So drinking may have a negative effect on your actions; only street vagabonds have any privileges here.
The next time you are out on the town, looking for a good time under the guise of the moonshine mistress, just keep a close eye on yourself (and your friends as well; the buddy system can be a marvelous thing). A tip of the glass every now and then never hurts anyone, but going crazy with "the sauce" can lead to bad things. I know I'd hate to wake up pregnant. What a shocker.
