// Epilogue \\ Connie: Welcome! I'm Connie. Jennifer: I'm Jennifer. Khalashnu: I am named Khalashnu. Mila-Lise: Mila-Lise is my name. Natalya: They call me Natalya! Thomas: And I'm Thomas. All: We're the Six Wives of Officer Reggie! Mila-Lise: You may have noticed that the President made a remark that Reggie would be considered as dead. Khalashnu: We regret to inform you that Reginald has been privately flogged with a rubber coconut, and was pronounced dead as soon as the paramedics finished their cigarette break. Jennifer: Do not cry, children, for Reggie was a good man with a heart of gold. He cared deeply about each and every one of us. Connie: Granted, he might not always get his facts right with his beloved partner, Blind Man Soy... Natalya: Or any other time, for that matter. He once called me Francesca during the sex! Connie: Really, you too? Wow, I had no idea! Mila-Lise: He also had horrible living manners. He'd leave nasty underwear hanging from the front door knob! Jennifer: Oh! Oh! And remember that time he used a sweaty T-shirt to try and clean a beer stain from the rug? Khalashnu: Reggie once climbed up to the roof just to use the gutters to scratch his back! What the hell?! Thomas: He touched my loofah inappropriately. Natalya: And that's just a small part of what's wrong with this ignoramus! He spits on the front lawn! Khalashnu: He phones up my mother and blows an airhorn into the receiver! Mila-Lise: He smokes while cleaning the ashtrays! Jennifer: He plucks nosehairs with pliers and leaves the stubble on the kitchen counter! Connie: He wears cargo pants to funerals! Thomas: He never recycles empty bottles of hand lotion! Natalya: He belches at the television whenever Connie Chung makes an appearance! Mila-Lise: He puts my facial mask concoction on toast for a snack! Jennifer: He puts his nose in the toaster just to try and snort toast crumbs because he's too cheap to buy actual drugs! Thomas His sausages were greasy and undercooked! Mila-Lise: He once told the old lady next door that she could take her azaleas and shove them right up her-- Connie: Ask yourself: is this the type of man we want married to all of us? All: No way! Connie: Well then, I say...we dig up his maggot-infested coffin, drag his sorry bones to the surface, and go at them with sharp tools! All: Hooray! Mila-Lise: Now Blind Man Soy -- he's a REAL man... *hours later in the graveyard, after some digging and dragging...* All: In the place where devils lie Six saints of serenity cry Basking in the afterglow Of death departed; ashen flow In the ground where souls depart Bloody rivers paint the art Scythes of knowledge burn him raw He's the worst we ever saw! Jab with sharp tools! Jab with sharp tools! End. « PREVIOUS ||