// Episode I: Soy's Unexpected Discovery \\ Blind Man Soy lays in his moth-trodden bed in his dingy apartment, not staring at the ceiling. BLIND MAN SOY: *sigh* I was once a bad enough dude to rescue the President. I once saved the filler state of Utah from being abducted. But here I am, just a few months later, and time has already forgotten me. I'm like the Fran Drescher of the detective racket! Suddenly, his telephone rings; Soy feels around on his nightstand and eventually picks up the receiver. BLIND MAN SOY: H-hello? OFFICER LEROY: Soy! It's good to hear your handsome voice again! BLIND MAN SOY: I don't remember paying my telephone bill... OFFICER LEROY: Listen, I have a brand new assignment for you! BLIND MAN SOY: Ah! An assignment! Finally, the gods have smiled upon me! What is this assignment? OFFICER LEROY: It appears that an elderly woman has lost her kitten in a tree, but senility has kicked in at the most unfortunate moment and she can't seem to remember which tree the kitten is in. We need YOU to come back here to Boston to find the fanagled feline! BLIND MAN SOY: What you say?! I'm not interested in a catjob! OFFICER LEROY: I'm sorry, Soy, but this is all we have. Crime's been pretty light these days; it turns out that Deaf Girl Lima, she who stole Utah if you had already forgotten, was responsible for the vast majority of the country's unusual crimes! And now she's locked away. BLIND MAN SOY: I remember all too well... Yeah, she'll be locked away for quite a while, I imagine. OFFICER LEROY: So, will you take the assignment? BLIND MAN SOY: No way! I'm Blind Man Soy, Detective Extraordinaire! I was designed for solving immense crimes that requires impecable skill, smooth sailin', and pizazz beyond the world's wildest imagination's capacity! OFFICER LEROY: Well, now you're Unemployed Man Soy, and this is all we can give you. Take it or leave it. BLIND MAN SOY: Bite me! Soy hangs up the phone in disgust, and returns to his pensive state on the bed. BLIND MAN SOY: Nothing is going right for me. I'm washed up. I'm finished. I'm through. I'm kaputz! This is truly the end... Yes, that's right, the end of Blind Man Soy... Suddenly, Soy hears a ruckus from outside his window. He listens carefully, and using his other four functioning senses, determines that an old lady is getting mugged by a muscle-bound man in the alleyway. BLIND MAN SOY: *sigh* Well, if I can't be absolutely beloved by the masses, I can at least perform a small duty to make myself feel useful to society once again. For it is he who is humble in his activities that receives the most inner peace. And I should also just stop talking and save that homely old woman! Soy runs-- er, okay, stumbles violently down the staircase, out the door of his apartment building, and into the alley where he senses the criminal's presence. Using the sounds of the scuffle to guide him, he quickly grasps the assailant. BLIND MAN SOY: Aha! I've got you now, you scoundrel! OLD LADY: Let go of me, you handsome brute! He's the one who has been trying to rob ME! BLIND MAN SOY: Oh, whoops, sorry. Soy grapples the real criminal. BLIND MAN SOY: Alright, you punk! I've got you now! There's nothing you can do except struggle, escape, stab me in the abdomen, fire a bullet into my skull, soil your pants, recite the complete works of renowned author James Joyce, do the Jitterbug, use a match to set fire to my thread-barren undergarments, and play dead! OLD LADY: Thank you, young man! I guess I'll be on my way! Oh, and don't touch me where you did ever again... at least, not in public... *flees the scene to watch Matlock or something* BLIND MAN SOY: Alright, you hoodlum! What do you have to say for yourself? MUGGER: ...Dad?! BLIND MAN SOY: WHAAAAAA?!?!?! [ ...to be continued... ] || NEXT »