// Episode IV: Oh No! A Floater! \\ Soy: How did I end up in Utah? I thought it was stolen! Nurse Megsy: It's very simple. Soy: Oh, please, do explain, for I am very confused and blind. Nurse Megsy: Well, after your accident with the golf cart, that brittle Officer Leroy fellow had you transferred to the nearest hospital. Utah just happened to be floating over your specific location in Boston at the time, and this hospital just happened to be, geographically, the nearest hospital! So you were sent here. Soy: Oh, well, that makes perfect sense. Nurse Megsy: Good. Now I'm afraid it's time for your enema, Mr. Soy. Soy: Well, I guess I'm ready for the sploosh anytime. I'll just... try and... turn... over... Oh snap! I can't turn over for you because of this darn body cast! Mmmph!!! Mmmph!!! *struggles for a while* See? No go! I'm so sorry... Nurse Megsy: No need for apologies, Mr. Soy. We'll use this involent-turning machine to flip you. Plus there's a molded flap in the back for easy access to your hindquarters! Soy: How innovative! All that's left is-- *does a spit take* --WHAT DO YOU MEAN UTAH IS FLOATING?!?!?! Nurse Megsy: Wow, nothing gets by you. Soy: Damn straight! Now what's this about Utah floating? Nurse Megsy: It seems an unidentified assailant just picked up Utah with a massive claw and is now dragging it towards the... *checks a map* ATLANTIC OCEAN!!! Soy: The thief isn't going to dump the state of Utah into the ocean, is he or she? Nurse Megsy: Hey, before I can even think about delving into the deep waters of Atlantic, I must worry about inserting the warm waters of an enema in you. Soy: No time for a colon cleansing! There's trouble afoot! I fear the worst! ...I also fear the morbidly obese. Nurse Megsy: But you can't see them! Soy: So I'm always frightened. Damn paranoia. Anyway, how exactly is the state traveling? Nurse Megsy: Well, there's an amazingly huge flying saucer or something weird like that flying up above us now! Soy: A flying saucer? Well, this is turning out to be a bigger case than that time I had to find the mysterious hidden golden egg! Nurse Megsy: When was this case? Soy: ...Easter Egg Hunt, when I was six years old... Nurse Megsy: I know you'd like to chase after that unidentified flying object, but you can't in your condition! You MUST heal! You MUST get well! Soy: I just... feel so damn helpless here! Nurse Megsy: Well, I have some paperwork to attend to, but I'll be back later, Mr. Soy. Rest up! Soy: I will, cutie. Nurse Megsy: *blushes* Oh, you tease! *leaves* Soy: *sigh* I'm stuck here in this crusty old hospital suite... meanwhile, I'm quickly losing my case. Officer Leroy is going to be so ticked off! Hmmm... maybe I could try to get up and sneak out. *minutes later...* Soy: Great. Now I'm sprawled on the floor. This is not going as planned. ....wait! I can wiggle my fingers! Maybe I can-- *Nurse Megsy walks in, sees Soy on the floor, and immediately drops her can of V8* Nurse Megsy: Goodness gracious! How did you get on the floor?! Soy: I blame gravity! He's the guilty bitch that gone done floored me good! *Nurse Megsy, with her massive amount of strength, returns Soy to his place on the bed* Soy: I... I was just trying to escape and save Utah, Nurse Megsy. Nurse Megsy: *sigh* You REALLY want to save Utah that badly, huh? Soy: Yes! I must save Utah or my name isn't... well, whatever it used to be before I adopted the Soy moniker. Nurse Megsy: Although this goes against every principle that I believe in, I can help you. If you don't mind a little air travel, I can hire someone to drive a really tall crane as your means of transport. Soy: Interesting. I was thinking more along the lines of being shot out of a cannon directly at the UFO. Nurse Megsy: A cannon... that's even MORE dangerous. But it's your life -- we'll see what we can come up with. [ ...to be continued... ] « PREVIOUS || NEXT »