*Blind Man Soy begins his search for the lost state outside of the Federal Bureau of Inference of Strange Expectations headquarters*
Soy: It's going to be a rough trek this time around, as I have no leads on the case. Well, in this case, there's only one thing to do, and that's to think like Utah! If I was Utah, where would I go?
*Soy thinks for about an hour*
Soy: I'm clearly wasting my time.
Officer Leroy: *from an upstairs window* Soy, you imbecile! Why the heck are you still outside the building?! Why aren't you off in the distance looking for Utah?
Soy: I was trying to think like Utah!
Officer Leroy: Hmmm... interesting idea, though it won't work because Utah is basically inanimate. But let's give it a shot.
*Soy and Officer Leroy think for about an hour*
Officer Leroy: Awww nuts, I missed my lunch break.
Soy: Wait... what's that scent? *sniff*
Officer Leroy: You can smell me from all the way down there?
Soy: No, it doesn't smell that bad. I smell something sodium-related.
Officer Leroy: Sodium-related? It could be the saltine factory next door.
Soy: Yes... or...
Officer Leroy: Or? OR?!?! Cut the vocal ellipses and tell me what you think you smell! I'm a slightly old man here; I want to retire before this case is closed!
Soy: If my memory serves me correctly, and it usually doesn't, Utah is the home of Salt Lake City! And you can't have a Salt Lake City without a lake that is salty!
Officer Leroy: You smell the salty Salt Lake of Salt Lake City?
Soy: Well, perhaps not. I don't believe there actually IS a significant lake in the Salt Lake City region.
Officer Leroy: Spare me your geographic hullabaloo! So if it's not the salty water your nose detects, what is it?
Soy: If I delve yet again into my wonderful memory bank, I can tell you that in 2002, the Winter Olympic Games were held in Salt Lake City, and as I recall, a certain number of athletes were disqualified from the games for using sodium-based steroids.
Officer Leroy: Which ones?
Soy: I think it was the Canadian snow jousters.
Officer Leroy: Uh, okay. Well, instead of questioning the fact that steroids are not sodium-based, or the fact that there is no jousting in the Winter Olympics, I'll just ask where all this is leading.
Soy: I still sense remnants of those steroids in the area where the games were held!
Officer Leroy: That's a powerful nose you have there!
Soy: I got it at Jim's Nostrilopolis on Westwood & Third! *is handed a sack of endorsement money*
Officer Leroy: So how will this help us track down the lost state?
Soy: I'll just follow the scent!
Officer Leroy: You'll need transportation! Pedestrianism is foolish when looking for Utah!
Soy: That's true; I could step in dog or cow excrement.
Officer Leroy: Not to mention horse excrement!
Soy: Also true. So maybe I can use a vehicle of some sort!
Officer Leroy: Perhaps a private jet? We can allow you use of that.
Soy: Nah, I'd probably hit a deer or something up there.
Officer Leroy: In the SKY?!?!
Soy: You'd be better off not knowing quite how, but I certainly would.
Officer Leroy: Well, all we have left is a medium-quality golf cart.
Soy: I'll take it! Where is it?
Officer Leroy: You're standing on it.
Soy: Hmmm, okay. *jumps on the roof and falls through, onto the seat*
Officer Leroy: Soy, you dullard! Alright, good luck! Follow that scent!
Soy: Yes sir! Soy away!!!
*Soy crashes his golf cart into the FBISEX building*
Officer Leroy: OH NO! Someone call 911 quick!!! Blind Man Soy's been in a terrible accident! HURRY!!!
[ ...to be continued... ]
