// Episode X: An Officer And A Gentleman \\ Soy: It couldn't be! Officer Reggie, it's really you! Reggie: Soy, I don't want to hear another word. You thought you could have me eliminated? Think again, you inadequate failure of a man. Soy: How did you manage to live? Reggie: Didn't I just tell you to shut up? Soy: No, you didn't just tell me to shut up. Reggie: Well, shut up. Soy: I'm afraid I can't. Reggie: And why not? Soy: Because it's in my "Adventures of Blind Man Soy" contract to always be speaking in every scene where I am present. Reggie: *sigh* Very well. Soy: Reggie, how did you get aboard this ship? And why are you here in the first place? Reggie: I was all set to be executed by the President (to whom you were a bad enough dude to rescue)... Soy: Blind Man Soy to the rescue! *raises arms* Reggie: Put your arms down. Soy: *lowers arms* Continue. Reggie: ...but while being imprisoned, I met an interesting fellow who, after performing the usual unfortunate activities of the jailbird's lifestyle, showed me a secret tunnel behind one of the stones in my cell. I then poked the guy with a stick in that one area of the body that automatically causes a person to faint for a few minutes. You know the spot? Soy: I know the spot. Reggie: Then I swapped uniforms with him and crept away through the tunnel, popping up somewhere in Missouri for some reason. Soy: But I distinctly remember reading about your corpse being dug up and jabbed by your six former wives! Reggie: That was a life-sized stuffed Reggie doll. Soy: And you just happened to have one? Reggie: Every girl should have a life-sized Reggie doll! Available at fine retailers everywhere. Soy: Okay, that explains your vivacity, but why are you aboard this vessel? Reggie: I heard through wiretapping that you were on this mission, and then I saw Utah fly overhead, so using my pneumatic extendable genitals, I hookshot myself aboard and have been hiding in the ship's steam tunnels. Soy: Well, that's just wonderful for you and your genitals. Wait... wiretapping? Reggie: That was the President's next initiative after the war on Iraq failed. Soy: Hmmm. And you wanted to see me? Reggie: Of course! Soy: You're going to try and kill me, aren't you... Reggie: You're a smart oaf. Soy: Well, before I die, can I ask one question? Reggie: If you must! Soy: What were those strange creatures who kept saying "Ngooooongyet!" all about? Reggie: Heh, those are just unemployed actors from the last Star Trek series who could only find work here. They even brought the costumes they were to wear for their episode, but it was cut from production. Soy: That's pretty cool. Alright, let's get this over with. Reggie: What? No snappy comeback? No smelling beauty comment? No bitching about a steakhouse? Soy: *sigh* I've had a long day, alright? Level with me. *Reggie whips out a pistol, unbeknownst to Soy who can't see it* Reggie: Great. Now it's time for the end of Blind Man Soy! Soy: Dude, even I know that's getting old. [ ...to be continued... ] « PREVIOUS || NEXT »